Upon arrival to Berlin I was informed that along with my host family, another student in my program will also be in homestay. My initial feeling was anger- I did not want to share my host family at all because I am selfish. Quickly after meeting the person I would share my host family with, Reni, I was glad that Reni was there for me, and I for they. Reni identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Reni was very excited to come and live in Berlin because they have German roots, had a German Au-pair growing up, and was ready to live in a city where queer culture was everywhere. In the first minute of meeting Reni, they made it clear that their pronouns were they/them. But, the first words out of my host father's mouth were, "Are you girls ready?" I was completely shocked. How would IES not tell the host family that Reni is transgender? Or if they did, how can this man be so insensitive? I looked at Reni and they said, "Let's go."
After a nice car ride downtown to Schöneberg, Reni and I met our host mom. One of the first things she said was, "We have never hosted girls before so we are very excited!" Again, mortified, I looked at Reni and their face was still calm. I was so confused, but acted as though everything was fine. After getting a tour of the beautiful apartment, listening to my host brother and mother play the piano and sing songs, my host family continued to call Reni a girl and say things that made it obvious that calling Reni transgender was weird for them.
While navigating the S-Bahn the next day I told Reni that I was sure that the host family using the incorrect pronoun was really hurtful and hard and that if they needed any help talking about it with them or needing to talk about it in general, I am here for them. Besides letting Reni know I was here, what more could I have done? I did not want to say something to the host family and out Reni without their consent. I also did not want to make the situation more uncomfortable for Reni, so I waited.
A week or two later Reni told me that they had a long conversation with our host mom about Reni being non-binary and preferring they/them pronouns, but due to the language barrier, they both decided that in the home Reni would be called as she/her. I asked Reni if they were okay with that and if life in Berlin would be difficult because of it, but in a city that is supposed to be a hub for the LGBTQ+ community, Reni accepted changing their pronoun to fit the culture.
This is very interesting to me because prior to coming to Berlin, I had been shown many strides in the language to try and be more progressive. For example, almost every word that is plural has the feminine article "die" rather than masculine "der." Yet, German natives, or at least those in my homestay, cannot find a way to call Reni they/them.
In the poem below I explore how Germany, specifically Berlin, leaves out transgender peoples from their language and the affect this has on foreigners seeking salvation in Berlin.
how disappointing it must be-
to come for a culture that you
yearn for,
dream of, need.
yet, in your new home
your identity, self, pronoun,
is taken from you.
pronouns.
he, she, they, them, it?
how do we translate this?
but better yet,
how can a city
and a culture
and language
call itself the pride and joy of LGBTQ+
when they don’t even have a word
for the
T.